Choose your hard
Lately I’ve been hearing these words in my mind; life is hard. Health is hard, sickness is hard, being single is hard, being a couple is also hard, success is hard, but so is failure. I also hear this; we are all self-made, but it’s just the successful who are willing to admit it. So, knowing life is hard whether you succeed or not, then why not go for the hard that just might deliver the most satisfying results? I believe that the people who fight the hardest for their dreams are the ones who truly experience real authenticity, not just the titles that society bestows. When I say fight for their dreams, I mean fire-in-the-belly non-negotiables that guide us to reach the finish line whether it’s a fight for wellness, a fight for a cause, a fight for love, for peace, for stability, prosperity or understanding. It’s in these emotion-filled corn mazes that we discover our strength, our talents and often just enough grit to break through to the other side.
3000 friends, it’s where I am at in a make-believe world, a database of names and postage stamp portraits that bubble and pop like carbonation in a petri dish. They are neatly contained in a platform within my computer walls like a virtual shoe box that I can open and close at will and whenever I want. Real friends? Not really. Yes, a handful of people know me in real life, but I know that this place, this space, this box of personalities (just like the photo shoe box in my closet) has little bearing on my ‘now’ life. It may sound impersonal, and why wouldn’t it? If we haven’t met, had a meaningful chat, then I really can’t give you a title; in my world you are as good as imaginary. After all, the definition of virtual does not physically exist. 3000 friends are the summary of lessons I have learned living most of my life outside this imaginary box called social media. I’ve chosen to write about the 100 lessons that have come to my mind, there might be 1000 that I’ve learned; I’ve boiled it down to the ones that have had the most impact.
What I love about being my age right now is the cool intersection I view. From my perspective I can see the charm of what was and the convenience of what is and somewhere in the lofty and hidden feathery branches are some golden nuggets that if explained well, might just open a new pathway to connect these two worlds. I am 55. I grew up in a two-parent household, with one mom and one dad. Our home was in the northern suburbs of Minneapolis. We were white Anglo Saxons who stayed in our lane. My grandparents were born in the late 1800’s, most of my life was void of television and produced entertainment of any kind. We weren’t given luxury goods (in my day they were called Walk-man and Atari) and we didn’t expect them either. My parents did a great job of teaching us about our place. Respect was expected, Christian morals were taught, and life was basic and simple. We weren’t encouraged to dream, to express ourselves or even talk about the future. There was work to be done in the here and now and that’s what we did.
Most of my life I’ve spent with the perspective that I was on the outside looking in. Not rich, not poor, not ethnic, not special. We weren’t part of the Scandinavian majority and I still recall hearing the word lefse for the first time. We weren’t thin, beautiful, or athletic (traits many people aspired to back then) we didn’t have special talents, food, traditions, or activities. We ate the same five meals and generic cereal. I never dreamed of a fairy tale wedding, a Disney cruise or what it would feel like to have the wind in my hair on a horseback ride. The answer was always no, and we accepted it. There were six people to house, feed, insure, manage, and track. We had each other, a three-acre wooded lot and an endless wildlife refuge (swamp) across the street where we spent much of our time. I never felt alone, neglected, fearful or without hope. I had a great childhood and have deep gratitude for my sheltered life. We learned about the world through encyclopedias and a monthly subscription to National Geographic Magazine. My parents allowed us just enough freedom to experience life in child-sized lessons on our own. The message was (paraphrasing) if you’re not bleeding, then don’t come in.
It was expected that we would work it out (kid conflicts) on our own without the opinions or voices of adults getting in the way. I believe it’s because of this clear-sky and clean palette that I developed a handful of important foundational skills early in life. These skills helped form the stamina and grit (through the inevitable adult difficulties) to keep going, to keep fighting for my story. Along the way a little maturity and a sliver of insight kicked in and I saw patterns emerge; patterns in myself, in others and in how I reacted to others. These one hundred lessons are a compilation of ideas I’ve learned, cultivated, experienced, practiced, and preserved. I write them for myself as much as you. I write them as a review of my journey and as a guide for anyone who is seeking knowledge (and know how) on some important foundational concepts that might have slipped through the digital wormhole; they may very well make a world of difference and begin to help set the first domino in the story of your own unique experience.
3000 Friends, Focusing on What’s Real in an ADD World, A Millennials Guide to Adulting by Lisa Jean Zmuda AKA, the things I wish they would have taught/told us in high school!
1. No one is keeping score
2. You are the sum of the thoughts you’ve had and the actions you have and have not taken
3. Consistency wins over intensity
4. Learn early to be selective
5. Your emotions are there to protect you, not attack you
6. Only you can build you
7. Put your blinders on and walk quickly
8. Procrastination is just evidencing you’re doing the wrong thing
9. Joy must be developed, its not a birth right
10. Life is a moving target
11. Make meaning the aim of your life, not happiness
12. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the level of moral values you live by
13. Only you are responsible for your behavior
14. Your ego is at the root of everything
15. You’re going to need some cheerleaders
16. You need a clear vision
17. You must be willing to be held accountable
18. There are no special people
19. If you don’t want to be fake, then stop living in a virtual world, it is after all, fake
20. The best investment is always in people (everyone wears an invisible sign that says make me feel important)
21. Everyone is self-made, its only the successful that will admit it
22. There are consequences to every decision – either negative or positive – no neutral
23. Deprivation is necessary for growth
24. Trying harder it not the answer
25. You’re the air traffic controller, not the pilot
26. There are no absolutes
27. There are only resting spots
28. Peer pressure exists your whole life
29. Distraction shows up in disguise
30. Everything is a gift
31. Needs and wants have become confused and grossly warped
32. Not everyone is going to succeed – not every story will have a happy ending
33. You can do anything if you have the capacity to develop the corresponding skills
34. Deciding to do something is not enough, action is the only way to results
35. You’re not paid for an hour; you are paid for the value you bring to that hour
36. No one is innocent of the destruction of this planet
37. Life is hard, and you’re only real job is to grow
38. Being mildly picked on as a child is ok, its an important social lesson, but bullying is not o.k.
39. The fewer important things you have, the better
40. Disease and despair are usually results from your actions
41. Your only job is to rise
42. Virtual relationships aren’t real
43. Real relationships require IRT
44. Gratitude based living is best pathway to mental health
45. Sacrifice is a teacher
46. People like people that are like them
47. Community is critical – keep your own counsel
48. Seek solitude
49. Time moves more slowly in the forest
50. You don’t have anything to prove
51. Everything you see was once a bubble in some else’s head
52. Life is but a dream
53. Learn how to be still
54. Learn how to listen (to yourself and others)
55. Learn how to be quiet
56. You must allow for extinction
57. Each day is a one-of-a-kind masterpiece
58. Good stress is a good thing
59. Moving (physical) is still the best solution
60. To be in nature, is to be inside the sounds
61. Life knows the best age to do things
62. Your life doesn’t get easier because of age, money, or resources
63. You don’t have time to focus on what’s wrong
64. Accept that life is a mystery
65. Rejoice in your own unique awareness of life
66. Every little bit helps
67. The quicker you learn to be alone with your thoughts, the better
68. Work on your people skills (look people in the eye)
69. Every day can be a payday in your imagination
70. Look for the silver lining
71. You can be rich, or you can be right
72. Pay your debts
73. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t shove it, or force it to
74. The solution is to stop looking for the solution
75. Work every day on building personal joy
76. Go where you’re celebrated not just tolerated
77. Don’t be a stranger in a strange land
78. Don’t let great be the enemy of good
79. Time on task over time always wins
80. Better can include different
81. No substation for sleep or sun
82. Decide your minimum standards
83. You can control your standards but not your outcomes
84. Let your personality serve your soul
85. All relationships are business relationships
86. Opinions are like elbows
87. The world doesn’t owe you anything, it was here first
88. Age is not just a number
89. Being in love should be just as easy as breathing
90. Everything is GMO, including you
91. You chose to be here
92. You can’t be sick enough to make others well You can’t help the poor if you are poor
93. Don’t feel bad about privilege, feel inspired by it
94. You have to power to change lives but only if you’re tuned in
95. The opposite of success isn’t failure, its apathy
96. Tell the truth to yourself and the rest will fall in place
97. Failure is a necessary brick on the yellow brick road
98. Its not my life, you are life!
99. We all operate from the vault of our own emotional bank account
100. All News is Fake News
